Sometimes you coast along for a while feeling pretty good about yourself, reasonably confident until a new sharp edge finally gouges a hole in your roll. I find it particularly upsetting when this takes the form of someone I know acting intentionally antagonistic, which is the case about half the time. I think: “Flat tires, schedule problems and poor health are unavoidable, but people being dicks is not something I HAVE to endure. I am unmarried with no children, and I can separate myself from anyone, without exception.” And then I think on it some more.
I have had to do this many times since I quit drinking 6 years ago, this same frustrated thought loop where I am forced to decide if I can continue to manage a relationship. At first, I took my counselors with a grain of salt when they said that over time I would wind up parting ways with most of the people I knew then, but its turned out to be dead on. Thus, the expression “times change, people change” has now fully unfurled its quixotic flag before me, with my altered self as the flag bearer. Strange times.
I mention all of the above because just last night a twenty+ year friend took it upon himself to send me a frustrating and misguide text, causing a ripple in my thoughts and actions today. I realized before sitting down to write this blog/log/work that this semester has entailed almost none of such activity prior to now, and as a result, I have been able to think clearly and work efficiently on my studies as a result.
I wonder if a person who chooses to poke at me would still do it if they realized the direct, negative effect it could have on the rest of my life?
I can hardly talk to anyone about something like this because, lacking the full story, many will jump to conclusions and offer up the never-ending flood of band-aid solutions. Let me assure anyone reading that by the time I get to a point where someone else’s actions are causing serious upset in my life, I have already taken every reasonable measure to address issues with that person before.
Which brings me back to my first paragraph, specifically the option to separate myself from certain people. I have recently discovered or affirmed a few salient points regarding this:
1) It’s not a trouble free solution. For whatever reason, some people take it real poorly if I try to distance myself from them. Some will up the ante until they are unavoidable, and others will force a confrontation.
2) I sometimes pay the price of fighting a guilty conscience after doing so. This is the nasty, soft middle of the issue. As a recovering addict, I have a responsibility handed directly to me by doctors and counselors : take care of myself emotionally. I was taught that the only way to ensure my long-term sobriety is to take an active role in the care-taking of my mind and body. That’s why I quit smoking cigarettes finally three years after I quit the booze, and that is why I can’t allow antagonistic people to hang around past a certain point.
A lot of things, good and bad, just come down to when. I feel as if I was on a slow, silent path toward going back to school for years before it happened. I see strange, wonderfully empowering correlations between my education and my long-term sobriety and well being. As noted in previous entries here, I also see a direct relation between my education and my developing ability as a musician and songwriter. Hell, since I’m calling it all out, I may as well add helping me to improve my attitude to the list of positive changes school has affected in me.
Which brings me to the real crux of this writing exercise. I sat down with a few notes written, planning on airing my grievance, then using a few contemplative moments to find a way to put my frustration in perspective. Here is what I have cooked up:
1) Observe, and learn from the experience. Over the past week or two, stress from various sources has threatened my ability to write and read. Thus, I will do what it takes to marginalize and avoid unnecessary stress. Fini.
2) I was in such a high gear with this class (Creative Writing) until the past couple of weeks, that I was due for a dry spell. Instead of succumbing to frustration and doubt, I will use what I’m going through now as one part of my process paper. On that, note, I’m taking a moment to be glad that I have done so much work already, because this blog will make a fantastic resource for not only my Capstone Project, but the remaining papers as well.
3) I’m actually running short on time at the moment, so I’m going to summarize and finish the ending of this later. I’m making a list of thought and writing processes that I have learned or changed in this program, including details, references, quotes, correlations etc. Here are a few, in brief: thinking about feelings, circumstances and senses as shapes (reexamine the piece I started about pain)…(Hume 426 influence
?) Contrasting what I learned new vs. what has been affirmed and improved upon, planning before writing, open to reassessment, radical revision, etc, realizations- these last couple of papers could be submitted for publications if written with enough care. – and/or I can do my absolute best on them for now and then continue revision process after semester. Also- advanced thought on when revised work is ready, including “lifetime of revision” concept learned from 490 authors. No tada! endings, look for the fifth option.
4)
5) Conclude blog title. New type of landing: always another recourse.
My Postmodern Swell by L. Hyland 